I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
