Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
