i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Is it because I queefed?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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