let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize