I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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