remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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