Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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