sarcasm needs its own font
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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