mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
