pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
