Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
