u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He has the fingertips of a God
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