I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
