wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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