I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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