I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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