Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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