Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
