oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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