OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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