I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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