Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
