the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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