Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This house was built for laser tag.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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