After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
