I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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