you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my liver is dry heaving
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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