literally had 100 drinks last night.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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