There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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