Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
