yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
