If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
