He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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