Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
