Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
they're like a gay fantastic four
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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