Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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