thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
