If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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