I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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