I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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