I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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