so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
