i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
