So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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