hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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