if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
