No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
