you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
