I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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