Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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