The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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