i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
3 2 1 whiskey
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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