that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
