Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
i am craving dick and cupcakes
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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