3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
