She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
