Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
