She is in my trunk
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
