Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
