you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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