The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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