nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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