i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
