i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
